My Insecurities Battle
I’ll be honest, living a healthy lifestyle has not always been a clear path for me. I’ve gone through periods of eating too little, exercising for the wrong reasons, restricting the foods I intake, you name it. My passion for holistic wellness took sharp turns, more so than I always care to confess. Granted, I am a teenager and have my whole life to learn plenty more, as I go. I would not label these choices as “regrets” or “mistakes.” All my years of wrong turns taught me valuable life lessons, and to listen to my body’s needs, which has served very useful!
A few years back, I thought I was fueling my fourteen-fifteen year-old body with plenty of food. Wow, was I wrong! I tried sneaking in snacks between new, high school classes (we weren’t allowed to eat in class), and adapting to the brief, extra-early or late-afternoon lunches. Honestly, I “didn’t feel hungry” most moments of the day, but I’d experience the occasional, daily hunger spikes. This was right around the time I started educating myself by reading my first nutrition-related book, The Plant Paradox. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intrigued by every word, and found it is extremely well-written! The fact is, I used this book’s content as an excuse to totally eliminate certain foods from my life.
I dismissed the fact that this could be a burden to anyone, especially myself. Next thing I know, my family’s concerned questions come about, on a regular basis. I receive casual calls, from my sisters and got seemingly bombarded with questions from my parents, as soon as we saw each other. These include: “What did you eat today?,” “You should start packing more food,” and the fan-favorite, “You need to eat more than that.” At the time, these were all so hard to hear because I thought I was doing the best, healthiest thing for my body. I came to realize they were right to push me in the right direction.
I took every action to eliminate what some refer to as “fear foods.” Personally, this translated to intentionally avoiding all gluten, grains, bell peppers, most fruits and dairy (hello, goat cheese- happy you stuck around), cured meats, chia seeds, legumes, the list goes on and on. This led me to excuse myself by feeling “not hungry,” quickly leading to malnutrition. I wasn’t giving my young, growing body enough fuel to function each day. During my daily, busy schedule, I would feel fatigued, anxious, and sporadically jittery, in the most uncomfortable ways. Additionally, my low body fat percentage and low number on the scale started causing problems. Two major examples are my irregular periods, which didn’t occur for an entire year, and incessant, ice-cold skin!
Truthfully, I’m still hesitant to reach for or order certain things, if it contains even one ingredient that takes me back. I was reading one of the first impactful stories of fellow foodie’s, if you will. The more I read, the more my eyes widened. Although I haven’t been formally diagnosed, I have orthorexia. Simply put, it’s “an eating disorder that involves an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating… [and] mostly revolves around food quality, not quantity.” Many, including myself have trouble succumbing, and realizing this applies to them. We can become so wrapped up in doing what we think is best, that we actually cause more harm than good. The article does a magnificent job of going more in-depth, so feel free to read much more about orthorexia here.
Towards the beginning of high school, I would take advantage of our nearby gym before school, and have two-hour volleyball practices, multiple late nights, per week. Simultaneously, I was caught up in tracking calories, therefore trying to burn more, to happily eat more. Let me go ahead and explicitly say this: that is no way to treat yourself. Respectively, burning off a bad diet is not a thing either. The consequences will catch up to you one day, if said diet is consistent. However, I wasn’t even playing that card. I was simply over-working myself, and prioritizing the gym over getting an adequate amount of sleep. For countless months, I would go about my busy, non-stop schedule, and allow myself merely five-six hours to reset.
My friends commented on my fatigue, which was doubled by it’s partner, previously mentioned as malnutrition. Additionally, I offset my circadian rhythm (sleep-wake cycle), which came alongside my dampened focus levels, and more negatives than I have the space to list. I have been the type of person who’s struggles to relax, for as long as I can remember. I’ve judged a day as “good or bad,” based off my level of productivity. Therefore, I was burning even more calories than I realized, by constantly staying mobile and getting things done, as soon as time permitted.
During exercise, you are (obviously) working your muscles. It’s crucial to take rest days each week, to allow them to heal fully and properly. They won’t fully develop and strengthen, unless this is done. I used to think a protein shake would do it all for me, but that’s not the case. Stretching prior to and directly after exercise plays an unbelievably significant role as well. I used to believe these were all myths. I convinced myself that rest days would take me steps back, but it was quite the opposite! Now, I’m deeply stretching 5-10 minutes, bare minimum, before and after exercising. During quarantine, I have learned to let my body relax 1-2 times per week. Using these days to go on a long walk and/or deeply stretch, for 15-20ish minutes has made all the difference. It turns my “day off” into what’s called an “active rest day.” My body’s finally appearing more toned, and feeling stronger than ever!
Today, I can say I’ve read much more, from other food and fitness bloggers’ perspectives, to How Not to Die, and Food Fix. I’ve rebuilt confidence, to gradually reincorporate the foods I was once fearful of. Life’s much to short to go through each day, fearing what could happen. Eating less-nutritious foods now and then will do a lot less harm than over-analyzing and avoiding them. Trust me, I’m learning this the hard way. I’m in no way perfect at following this, but I’ve worked for many years at tuning in with my body’s overall needs and cravings. My advice: if there’s no allergy on the line, don’t permanently cut foods out of your life, due to fear! If you benefit from nothing else in this post, remember this: It’s all about your mindset, which is completely up to you. I made my Instagram, followed by this website, to publicize my passion for a healthy, holistic lifestyle. I’ve learned more than these words can express, through my tribulations and experiences. I truly wouldn’t trade them for anything. It’s not always easy, but I believe every bump in the road happens for a beneficial reason. I genuinely hope you tag along, and continue uncovering what’s best for our bodies well-being, in the most wild, creative, impactful ways!